FUNNIES



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Postby wildrose » Sun May 18, 2008 9:25 am

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any
kind of unusual gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get
him to change.

One day, John came home with another one of his
unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie
detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,
their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late
getting home?', they asked.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an
extra credit project' said Tommy.

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped
Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us
where you went after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again
slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said,
'I am sorry I lied.

We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was
your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a
roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his
chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears.
'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't
be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and
slapped her three times.
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Postby lo&m » Tue Nov 25, 2008 4:32 pm

A single mother skunk lived in the woods with her two sons named In and Out.

In and Out were in and out of the house all the time. First In would go out, then Out would go out. Then In and Out would come back in.

One day In and Out went out to play. It got dark and Out came home, but In stayed out.

Mother skunk got worried and told Out to go out and find In and bring him back with him. So Out went out and pretty soon came back with In.

How did you find In so quickly Out? asked mother skunk.

It was easy, said Out. Instincts.
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Postby lo&m » Fri Jul 31, 2009 6:51 pm

Image
Country is a state of mind, not a state of America.
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Postby TroyJames » Mon Aug 03, 2009 4:09 am

A pirate walks into a bar and has a ships steering wheel down the front of his pants.
"Hey", says the bartender to the pirate, "you gotta steering wheel down your pants!"
"Aye" replies the pirate, "and it's driving me nuts!!"
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Postby BangBang!! » Sun Aug 09, 2009 8:47 pm

Two guys were looking at the shirts in the window of Burtons the tailors. One of them points at a posh shirt and says,
"That's the one I'd get."
And a cyclops came round the corner and kicked his face in.
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Postby lo&m » Sat Sep 26, 2009 12:57 pm

Just view it. Jaw-dropping. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yG8CUHGb1Y4
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Postby lo&m » Sun Sep 27, 2009 10:00 am

Just imagine it's Afghani Peace Day. You're invited along to help release the doves... but your dove is clearly dead. What do you do ?

Throw it in the air anyway and pretend there's nothing wrong.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nrnlm0DG9hM
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Postby wildrose » Sat Oct 24, 2009 7:15 am

Found these on another Forum and thought I would share them with you.

The Old Motor

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.
The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman,
smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North Platte, Nebraska, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value

Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Missouri. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Crabby Old Man

What do you see nurses? . . What do you see?
What are you thinking . . . . . When you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, . . . Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit . . . . . . . . With faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . .. . . . And makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . . . . .. 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . . The things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . . . . . . . . Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . .You're not looking at me

I'll tell you who I am. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . . As I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . . . . . . With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . . . . . . . Who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen . . With wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . . . .. . . A lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty. My heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . . . . . That I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . ... . . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . . . . .. My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . . . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons . . Have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me . . . . . . . To see I don't mourn.
At fifty, once more, . Babies play ' round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . . . My loved one and me

Dark days are upon me . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ... . . . . . . . . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . . . . Young of their own.
And I think of the years . . .. . . . . And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . . . . . . . And nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age . Look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . . . ... . . . . .Grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . . . . . .. . Where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . A young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . . .. . . . My battered heart swells
I remember the joys . . . . . . . . . .. . I remember the pain
And I'm loving and living . . . . .. . . . . . . . . Life over again

I think of the years .All too few . . . . . .Gone too fast
And accept the stark fact . . . . . . . .That nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . . . . . .Open and see.
Not a crabby old man . Look closer . . . .See . . . . . . . ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within . . . . . We will all, one day, be there, too!

PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM
The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched They must be felt by the heart.

And here is a reply from the nurses.................

What do we see, you ask, what do we see
Yes we are thinking when we look at thee
We may seem to be hard when we hurry and fuss
But there’s many of you and too few of us
We would like far more time to sit with you and talk
To bathe you and feed you and help you to walk

To hear of your lives and the things you have done
Your childhood, your husband your daughter or son
But time is against us, there too much to do
Patients too many and nurses too few
We grieve when we see you so sad and alone
With nobody near you no friends of your own

We feel all your pain and know of your fear
That nobody cares now your end is so near
But nurses are people with feelings as well
And when we’re together you’ll often hear tell

Of the dearest old Gran in the very end bed
And the lovely old Dad and the things that he said
We speak with compassion and love, and feel sad
When we think of your lives and the joy that you’ve had
When the time has arrived for you to depart
You leave us behind with an ache in our heart

When you sleep the long sleep, no more worry or care
There are other old people and we must be there
So please understand if we hurry and fuss
There are many of you and too few of us........................________

To make it stand,
You wet it !
To make it wet,
You suck it !
To make it stiff,
You lick it !
To get it in,
You push it!
Damn !
Threading a needle when you're older is a BITCH
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues,
via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


The Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately
as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell,
then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that,
"It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night,
then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic
and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over,
it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......
leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which
explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God - Oh my God"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

The Cowboy J



A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.


'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
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Postby lo&m » Tue Oct 27, 2009 10:59 pm

Bubba goes to a revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Bubba gets in line.

When it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray about?"

Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.

After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday in Baton Rouge."

-------------------------------------------------


One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir," said Earl, "We're on the patch.

--------------------------------------------------

Bubba's sister was pregnant and in a bad car accident.
As a result of the accident she falls into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she
is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor
about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins, a boy and a girl.
The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's
name?"

"Denise", the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks, Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I
was wrong about my brother. "I really like the name Denise."

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew.
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Re: FUNNIES

Postby lo&m » Sun Apr 03, 2011 2:20 pm

Image
You'll laugh when you look it up.
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Re: FUNNIES

Postby CJ » Tue Apr 05, 2011 7:10 am

The new Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns.

It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.
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Re: FUNNIES

Postby kev » Tue Apr 05, 2011 8:01 am

:lol: :lol: Mummy would like that one!!
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Re: FUNNIES

Postby Space Cowboy » Tue Apr 05, 2011 8:22 am

lo&m wrote:Image
You'll laugh when you look it up.

I can envisage it 'bottoming' out as a chat-up line.
Waylon Jennings.
" Don't take credit for what's written in the stars,
....... and don't apologise for who you are "
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Re: FUNNIES

Postby CJ » Tue Apr 05, 2011 6:53 pm

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.


A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing


Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this


flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'


The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few


bolts and laid the flagpole down.


She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and


announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.


Then, she walked off.


Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!




We Need the height, and she gives us the length!!
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Re: FUNNIES

Postby lo&m » Tue Apr 05, 2011 11:26 pm

Image
Country is a state of mind, not a state of America.
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