FUNNIES



Moderators: lo&m, Moshe

FUNNIES

Postby Moshe » Sun Aug 14, 2011 9:19 am

These all courtesy of Bob Monkhouse:

"I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

"People always say: 'You're a comedian, tell us a joke.' They don't say: 'You're an MP, tell us a lie.'

"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian ... They're not laughing now.

"Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

"The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

"Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

"When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

On writing jokes for Bob Hope: "Once I was in the bathroom of his hotel suite, attending to nature's call and he knocked loudly and called out: 'There's paper in there, keep writing'."
Cor Blimey, Guv'nor! 8)
Moshe

User avatar
Ultimate Member
 
Posts: 10076
Joined: Thu Jan 31, 2008 11:14 pm
Location: London

Re: FUNNIES

Postby lo&m » Tue Sep 10, 2013 3:02 pm

Image
Country is a state of mind, not a state of America.
lo&m

User avatar
Moderator
 
Posts: 7410
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2005 10:34 pm
Location: Desolation Row

Re: FUNNIES

Postby Bambino » Mon Sep 23, 2013 12:27 pm

Hahah, I love that one! They're going to have let him wear a muzzle with all those delicious kids around...
“We do not need to get good laws to restrain bad people. We need to get good people to restrain us from bad laws.”
― G.K. Chesterton
Bambino

User avatar
Newbie Member
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Tue Sep 17, 2013 3:37 pm

Re: FUNNIES

Postby lo&m » Sun Nov 24, 2013 5:54 pm

Image
I don't usually like dog costumes, I just think they're ridiculous and stupid and embarrassing for the pet. But this one is pretty awesome.
Image
Back in the day, the shop would bring the guitar out to you.
Image
Country is a state of mind, not a state of America.
lo&m

User avatar
Moderator
 
Posts: 7410
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2005 10:34 pm
Location: Desolation Row

Re: FUNNIES

Postby lo&m » Wed Oct 29, 2014 7:00 pm

Closer to home than I care to think.
Image
Country is a state of mind, not a state of America.
lo&m

User avatar
Moderator
 
Posts: 7410
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2005 10:34 pm
Location: Desolation Row

Re: FUNNIES

Postby Moshe » Thu Oct 30, 2014 6:33 pm

lo&m wrote:Closer to home than I care to think.
Image

Wasn't that song called "My Generation"?
Image
Cor Blimey, Guv'nor! 8)
Moshe

User avatar
Ultimate Member
 
Posts: 10076
Joined: Thu Jan 31, 2008 11:14 pm
Location: London

Re: FUNNIES

Postby lo&m » Mon Nov 03, 2014 10:51 pm

Nah, Rog wanted to die before he got old.
Country is a state of mind, not a state of America.
lo&m

User avatar
Moderator
 
Posts: 7410
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2005 10:34 pm
Location: Desolation Row

Re: FUNNIES

Postby camsgrandad » Sat Nov 08, 2014 3:37 pm

A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a pub.
He was stacking washing powder boxes onto the shelves.
"You lying toad" she yells" last night you told me you were a stunt pilot"
"No" he says "I told you I was a member of an Ariel display team
camsgrandad

Full Member
 
Posts: 137
Joined: Sat Jul 26, 2014 9:02 pm

Re: FUNNIES

Postby camsgrandad » Sat Nov 08, 2014 7:28 pm

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse
language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch and sit with them, so she put her sandwich in a
brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "Any of you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused. Then one of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled back down, "Why?"
The worker yelled back, "’Cause his mum's here with his lunch."
camsgrandad

Full Member
 
Posts: 137
Joined: Sat Jul 26, 2014 9:02 pm

Re: FUNNIES

Postby lo&m » Mon Sep 21, 2015 5:49 pm

Willie Nelson's concert rider

Image
Country is a state of mind, not a state of America.
lo&m

User avatar
Moderator
 
Posts: 7410
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2005 10:34 pm
Location: Desolation Row


Return to General Topics

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests

cron